Tonight's BBC offering was the grand finale of The Great British Village Show. Hailed in the listings as "reaching its climax" this weekend, the six-week show finale saw the judges picking the very best tomatoes in the land, the most uniform string beans, the largest marrow, the heaviest pumpkin, and the tastiest strawberry jam. Winners from the five regional shows competed against each other. Prince Charles and Camilla put in an appearance. Winning contestants screamed and cried at winning first place in their vegetable category, while the losers forlornly lamented all the time they'd put into growing, watering, tending, and polishing their onions, only to be beaten by that bloody farmer from Shropshire. "If I never win anything else in me life," said one nervous pumpkin-grower, "it don't matter. This means everything to me, it does."

Ahem.